So I love my husband, but god he pisses me off sometimes. I am up late, kind of to spite him yes, but I fell asleep putting Ashley to bed and woke up at 11 when he came up with Ryan to go to bed. I HATE waking up in the morning to a messy house and sure enough, when I went down to check, he hadn't lifted a finger even tho Ryan was in his swing the entire time. He didn't even pick up the LR which is all I usually ask/expect. Dinner was still out and wasted and I had to throw it out. I didn't have a chance to do it before Ashley's bedtime because he was up here on the computer for an hour after dinner and I was juggling both kids alone, like I do all damn day.

I'm so irritated about him not wanting to leave Ashley with his Mom on a weekend like we just had. Things would have been sooooo much easier for everyone, esp. Ashley. I don't blame her for acting up, what 2 year old wants to drive all day then shop for hours, then drive some more, and sleep in a strange place? I had to beg him, literally beg, to get him to agree that sometime in the future we could leave her with his mom for the day when we go to Eugene again. He says that this is our family and we have to deal. Yes. Ohmygod. Does he think I don't KNOW that?? But does he even GET that I don't get to leave all damn day, I am literally with her 24/7. I need a break. If I do get to get away, I bring Ryan with me. Which is fine, but come on, just once in a while, I need to miss her and she needs to miss us.

Just once, I want him to pick up the slack when I can't/don't do the housework. Oh he's understanding when I'm sick or something, yeah, honey don't worry about it, but he sure as hell can't DO IT so I dont have to do three times as much when I get back on track. *I* have to do the work AND care for the kids AT THE SAME TIME, bu I'm not even expecting that! Just when the kids are asleep and he's had literally HOURS of doing nothing do I expect him to clean up his own damn house. Too much to expect that he could do both like I have to every day of my life. Weekends should be 50/50, but somehow, he never actually does that, and if he DOES vacuum or pick up, BOY do I hear about how great he is and he does so damn much. I should never complain, I have it so good. Ummm, don't I say that every single day?? Does HE EVER say that??? no. It takes a fight, or something for him to admit anything nice about me. Certainly, lets not volunteer a nice comment or observation, lets meake her pry it out of me so that she wonders if its real or not, just something to pacify her and make her shut up.

and of course, he wants sex. what a joke. If I wasn't purposely keeping it from him before, i might start wanting to sometimes. doing housework is not making me in the mood, but if he EVER did it and din't have an attitude about it, that would be sexy. whatever, I couldn't be less turned on and I dont care. what a baby

Mission statement

I've decided that I need a place to vent/dump/bitch, so I created a secondary blog where I can glory in my children's lives and share pictures and stories of them with family and friends. I have had so many thoughts that need a safe place to go-- I kept "mind-editing" things I intended to write, things that would hurt feelings or just raise some eyebrows!

My husband. It still feels a tad odd to say that; we've only been married for not quite three years. Simply said- I adore him. Every part of him evokes some kind of response in me. We are so inter-connected-- we literally finish each others thoughts, often before a single word is said. I will think about something I want to tell him, and he frequently will ask me about it seconds later.

Every time I start to explain about the difficulties we are having now, I feel like I want to first illustrate how exceptional he is. I don't want anyone, real or imagined, to ever have doubts about how truly special and amazing this man is. So I guess I will spend some time talking about all the things I love about him, which probably isn't a bad thing to remind myself of...

-I love that he laughs at the TV when he's all alone in the room. I don't do that unless someone is watching with me.

-I love his passion for all things motorized. He can name every vintage car that he sees, tell whats under the hood by the sound, critique the paint job, etc. I'm still not sure what a carburetor does.

-The way he plays with Ashley. Way to wild and rough for my taste, but she loves it, and he challenges her.

-How sweet he is with Ryan. I can see his heart melting when Ryan smiles at him, and he coos at Ryan to get more.

-I like that he holds my hand, at home, in public and he never pushes me away.

-When he grabs my butt when I'm washing dishes. Makes me know that he wants me.

-I love when he sings in the car. It's a recent fantasy I discovered that I want him to sing a really sexy/romantic song when we have sex.

-He's so damn good-looking. Even his belly, which he hates.

-He comes home every night and I have NEVER wondered if he was cheating on me or even thinking about it. And he's been a sex camel for most of our relationship.

-That I was his first and only lover. I sometimes wish I could say the same, but only so he'd know how deeply I love him.

Well, I have more to say, alot to think about, but as usual, I am bleary-eyed tired. So I'm gonna go downstairs and bug my dearest while he's playing the new game I got for him. It's not that often both kids are asleep, after all.

A beginning

Where to start?

When I first heard about "blogs" I thought it was such a dumb thing to do... who would want to read someone's rambling diary? Then I got hooked on my husband's cousin's blog documenting his year-long trip around the world with his new wife. It took me three days to catch up to where they are currently (Thailand) and I even started dreaming about them. I have only met this man once in my life and never met his wife at all! Yet I admire them so much for what they are doing and think that keeping that blog is so amazing- not only can their family and friends keep in touch with them and live vicariously through their adventures, they will have such a great record of their lives to keep forever.

After I finished, I spent a couple of days feeling slightly jealous, more wistful than anything else, wishing that I could do some of the things they are doing, mourning my own lack of such freedom and energy. When I realized that I was doing that, I felt ashamed and guilty. If I was off exploring the world, I wouldn't have the most amazing and precious life that I do. My children, Ryan and Ashley are the spring in my step and my husband, Chris, is the reason I get up evey morning. I consider myself to be one of the most fortunate people I've ever known or imagined. So I determined to steal from someone else's brilliance and start my own blog- one that will be an adventure of my own.

I have agonized over what sort of blog this will be: a loving tribute to my children, preserving the beautiful moments that I am so priveleged to witness and encourage; a private place for myself maybe, confiding here all the things that am afraid to share with anyone, even my husband...maybe especially my husband? Or just a haphazard combination of both... take it or leave it, at least it's honest! I haven't told anyone yet about this blog; I guess I'm waiting to see what will come out once I start writing. So... I guess we'll see what happens.